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[19 Jun 2009|03:28pm] |
I just received this e-mail:
" On behalf of Heather's parents, they would like to invite you to attend her memorial service at Forest Lawn Cemetery at 12:30 pm on June 27, 2009. Parents are requesting for attendees to not speak about Heather's eating disorder and to focus on all of her other positive attributes. You are also invited to continue the celebration of Heather's life at the parents residence after the service. Please respond by Monday if you would like to attend the service.
If you would like to add any positive memories, poems, or saying to be incorporated in the service, please email back with your comments by Monday, also.
Thank you for your support and care. The parents hope to see you there at the service.
Sincerely,
EDCC Treatment Team"
So, she was feeling really ill at the mall on Monday. She went to the hospital; she was severely dehydrated. As they were, yknow, re-hydrating her, she went into cardiac arrest. They resuscitated her, but she had gone so long dead that she was severely brain-damaged. They continued to try to rehydrate, and in the meantime her parents signed a DNR. She coded again. She died.
Ugh.
Liz stepped down as Clinical Director "so she could take on more patients." Sherry has stepped in to take her place. Which makes sense, because Sherry only has one client right now. Me. And she'll PROBABLY discharge me this afternoon. I wonder if an hour is enough time for me to get to Woodland Hills at this time on a Friday.
We'll see. I can't get Quicktime to work yet, but soon you shall get the update on my MIA-ness from this past week.
I have a tummy ache.
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[18 Jun 2009|06:48pm] |
oh my good god.
epic failure. no, no, scratch that. let's just call it Epic Story.
i think i'm going to try to quicktime video it, and find somewhere to host it bc its much easier to explain that way and i dont want carpal tunnel :P
in other news,
my baby, my darling, my love, the sweetheart of my liiife.
Heather Lawrence died on June 15th. Her heart.
I found out last night (events kept me from the news).
It's still so surreal, I can't feel anything. Scary warning for the Eating Disorder world. :(
My dad's first questions after saying sorry was "How did you know her? Oh EDCC? When? Was she deathly skinny?" and :( it still sucks that i had to say "No, most definitely not. You don't have to be skinny to be very, very severely ill...."
It's so fucking vain, but I just saw pictures from my birthday BBQ and I just want to make my fat disappear.
Then I have to remind myself what someone told me this week... "It was either recovery, toughing it out, reaching for life... or it was a fast-track to death for me."
Looking at the last year of my life, I have to see and agree. You guys read it. You guys saw pictures. If I managed that in so few months (and then STILL did more damage WITH treatment preventing me fully)... I can't imagine living longer than a few years. Ick.
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[08 Mar 2009|03:33am] |
What. the. FUCK.
It is NOT 3:30am and I am NOT awake still.
-headslam-
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[10 Nov 2008|03:01pm] |
Hi guys!
Another quick update!
THANK YOU! for all the letters i've received! they mean SO much to me! and the cards!!! <3
annnnnd esophag0r, I GOT THE MUG!!!!! XD i wasn't expecting mail i was so excited! haha i love it!!!!!!
things here are amazingly hard, i ended up burning down my eyeline sharpener and breaking on friday afternoon. no one was home, everyone was playing basketball (a privilege i dont have at my level), and i was just so ..... well yknow how it goes.
im wearing an armwarmer now on my left arm. it was really bad because it wasnt cutting deep so i just kept going and going and going :( and then a few on my leg.
they know about my arm, but i diddnt bother mentioning my leg.
i've also got the flu i think. i threw up the other morning NOT out of will. i woke up to it. and i've been hot and cold and dizzy spells and... ew, its soooo nto fun.
anyway.
bottom line: thank you so much for your support, everyone. its still too hard... still realizing that i hate myself probably just as much and more than anyone else in this house hates me. :/ or dislikes me.
bah.
every hour is different whether or not i want to stay so BAH.
right now, i'm so triggered i'm out mentally.
i have like 11 more guarenteed insurance covered days.
they keep feeding me food i CANT eat bc of my stomach issues.
its fucking annoying.
anyway, love and thank you so much! im workin on responses. <3
i love mail!
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[26 Oct 2008|11:42am] |
hey guys/// quick update from monte nido's shared computer. im SO paranoid of going on here :P since they can see history and whatnot.
but anyway. this is much harder than it should be, considering ive been in PHP. but like. idk... theres SO much fucking food and i dont need to gain weight at all (height was remeasured at only 5'9" no wonder i still look so fat)
oh and yes my stomach has bloated out SO much i hate myself so much right now. its not easy. it's only been like a week... but.... i really don't think i'm ready for this. at allllllll
im horrified because i know ive probably gained SO much in this first week, even when they say thats not possible and they wouldnt let that happen.
but i know. i feel it. and i can see it. disgusting.
the girls... we arent close at all. :/ it makes me sad because i feel like im really alone right now, despite alll the staff and whatnot. i hate eating all this. the end.
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[17 Sep 2008|02:19am] |
and another entry 20 seconds later.
HOLY FUCK. i just CHOKED on my little effexor pill. it's a gel capsule.
now my throat is killing.
this is how weak i am. i fail at being an adult.
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[10 Sep 2008|01:25am] |
FUCK THE CRICKET IN MY EAR.
NOT SEXUALLY.
KILL IT. KILL ALL CRICKETS, GRASSHOPPERS, NOISEMAKING CREATURES OF THE NIGHT...
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[05 Jul 2008|12:53am] |
oh my god. i think this is my last post of the night. i'm laughing too hard. so ridiculous.
so on facebook, i changed my status to: "Kaitie is lonely!"
minutes later, Burke, a fratboy from UCLA who is friends with my best friend... messages me. hilarity ensues.
notice i do nothing to provoke this except maybe say "thanks dear, how are you?"
goes from sweet, to intense, to creeper.
nice little confidence booster though. ;)
Burke
ur lonely?
12:02amKaitie
yes! im alone on the 4th of july in an empty house!
lol
12:02amBurke
oh wow
12:02amKaitie
...and tipsy off of wine
12:02amBurke
well if i was there i would come join u
12:03amKaitie
thanks dear! how are you?
12:03amBurke
i am great haha tipsy off beer
how r u babe
12:03amKaitie
pretty goood.. i worked all day. and people were supposed to come over but didnt!
which makes me sad!
12:04amBurke
i am sorry i wish i could come give u a kiss
12:04amKaitie
awww thats really sweet
12:05amBurke
just the truth
ur a babe
12:05amKaitie
ive been sort of pissed off because one of melinda's and my friends... sort of lead me on and then was making out with a girl last night!! right in front of me!
you aren't so bad yourself
12:05amBurke
fuck him
ur better than that
i meant like hes a fucker not like have sex with him
and thanks
12:05amKaitie
thanks
yeah i was sort of feeling down about it
12:06amBurke
thats bullshit
man i wish i could come give u a big fourth of july kiss
12:06amKaitie
he was drunk. but i mean. he didnt have to parade her in front of me!!! --i wish so too!!
12:06amBurke
oh ya
12:06amKaitie
oh no. he's online
12:06amBurke
are u a good kisser?
12:06amKaitie
i dont know
12:07amBurke
i bet u r
12:07amKaitie
awww
im not too experienced
12:07amBurke
i wish i would have kissed u when u came and partired with us
what u mean
12:08amKaitie
i only do drunken hookups haha
--i wish you would have! it would have saved me some trouble that night lol
12:08amBurke
haha me
2
what trouble
do u have a mac?
12:10amKaitie
after you left, i got emo-drunk
12:10amBurke
damn u looked so hot to
how far u been?
12:10amKaitie
thanks
hold on! phone!
12:11amBurke
k
12:11amKaitie
ive only made out im pretty innocent
12:13amBurke
wow
do u wanan do more
12:13amKaitie
well yeah... but no one ever approaches me so.. *shrug*
12:14amBurke
well shit i am so down
12:14amKaitie
haha
well you should be in california then haha
12:14amBurke
haha well ill see asap
are u down?
12:15amKaitie
i wish you would have made a move back when i visited Melinda! lol
12:15amBurke
me 2
i mean what do u want to do
12:16amKaitie
i dont knooowww
i guess i would sort of see when it happened
12:16amBurke
ya
well i would love to make u moan
12:16amKaitie
jeeze, thats a nice offer
12:17amBurke
what u think?
do u have a mac computer?
12:17amKaitie
i do! but i dont have ichat or anything
12:18amBurke
what why not
12:18amKaitie
because im cheap haha
12:18amBurke
haha
do u have a camera on it
12:18amKaitie
im sure i do but i wouldnt know how to use it
12:19amBurke
well is it a mac book and at the top of the screen on the edging does it have a little camera
12:19amKaitie
yeah
12:19amBurke
do u have aol instant messenger
12:19amKaitie
yeaaaahhh
12:19amBurke
get on it
12:20amKaitie
hold on a second
12:20amBurke
whats ur screen name
12:20amKaitie
hooollddd onnn
12:20amBurke
k
12:20amKaitie
hold on phone
12:21amBurke
?
12:21amKaitie
someone called! brb
12:21amBurke
hurry
12:23amBurke
?
12:24amKaitie
i cannt
12:24amBurke
well i need to go
but happy fiurth
12:24amKaitie
alright
you too!!!
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[13 Jun 2008|12:56pm] |
I forced myself to eat. Yes. Forced.
I feel like puking, physically.
My blood pressure is 100/75. That's not right.
My pulse is 140.
I don't know what to do about that. It's not normal :( I want to cry. It's my birthday and all I can think about is how I told Kevin about my selfinjury, how we madeout, and how I called my friend and whined about an eating disorder I don't think I truly have. I mean. I'm just a little screwy is all. Fuck. Even I know I'm lying right now. :(
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[12 Jun 2008|03:36pm] |
Now my doctor is giving me a hard time. I just need a note saying in February I was experiencing medical issues.
So I asked her to do that for me. She called me up all pissed off. I said "For the ulcer." She told me I never had an ulcer. I said, at that time I was taking medication for an ulcer. Oh, that was just a precaution but I didn't have an ulcer. Well then wtf did I have. Oh, gastroenteritis. Well then why didn't you tell me that.
Well I can't write specific dates down since you did not see me during those times.
Okay, that's fine...
You need to see a nurse that's on campus.
I didn't want to tell her, but we have no on-campus nurse. We have a hospital nurse 4 city blocks away at the hospital. *rolls eyes*
I explained that the only reason I'm having her write this is because the teacher will not excuse my funeral absences.
The school probably isn't going to accept this note since it doesn't have specific dates. Then I'll have to call the clinic at the hospital and see if I saw them in February.
I'm supposed to be at the gym right now, but my dad isn't there. I fucking told this guy I have an appointment at 3:30. It's 3:40 now and we haven't left. I'm going to leave by myself after he makes this phone call.
I'm sort of pissed off at my doctor. She knows I have sensitive liver levels, and she prescribed me an ulcer medication even though I didn't have an ulcer? uh, what the fuck?
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[09 Jun 2008|08:02pm] |
Okaaay. So I've gone all OCD planning again.
I'm almost set on going to Leuven, Belgium for Study Abroad in a year. But I hadn't even really considered any Australia schools- and I know I have a few friends on here who know about/live in Australia. :P I feel like you guys are so impossibly far away. Haha, but do any of you know the following schools:
ACU National (Melbourne, Sydney or Brisbane)
University of Notre Dame Australia (Fremantle)
oh, and if anyone might know New Zealand:
Victoria University of Wellington
ok, hell how about Scotland anyone? :P Uni of St. Andrews?
orrrr Newcastle University?
orrrr UC Dublin?
I'm almost set on Leuven, though. Idk. So indecisive.
I'm so tiiiredddddd..
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[08 Jun 2008|10:02pm] |
seriously, again?
"from
Stupid stupid stupid!!
UGH! WHY CAN I NOT SEEM TO LEARN HOW TO CONTROL WHAT I EAT?!?!
I'm a fucking lazy fat ass!
I swore I would eat nothing but Special K, and that's all I had YESTERDAY.
All this weekend we've been moving shit around the house because I was switching rooms with my brother. So that's a lot of exersize moving all that crap around all day. Then today we had to paint, which is hard work also. But GUESS WHAT?!?!
Sense no one had the time to make food all day, we had fast food TWICE today! Ugh!!
Carles Jr. and then for dinner, DAIRY QUEEN. WHY can't I resist fast food? Oh my god it's fucking delicious! But I know it's trying to kill me! Yet I eat it anyways! I have no fucking self control!!! And this isn't helping me at all for loosing weight! All yesterday with hardly eating anything then I get fast food twice today.
I feel like a fat fuck. And here I am on the computer when I should be excersizing or AT LEAST purging. Ugh!
WHAT am I going to do with myself???
Please someone! I need help here.
How do you all resist eating food??
I mean, normally I'm good at that but when its my FAVORITE kinda foods (the most unhealthy ones), I crack and eat till I feel I'm gunna burst.
Ugh! I suck at being anorexic, I'm more of a bulimic, and that's not good.
GOD! I WANNA FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT! Someone please give me advise >.<
(Post a new comment)
thinskin23
2008-06-09 04:13 am UTC (link)
i had a rough couple of days too hun.
but you just have to find balance. and you just need to control what you eat a little bit more. like make a plan of what you should eat daily.
if you want to eat only special k.
then make a plan like this for example for the day..
1 special k bar.
1 cup of special k cereal..with 1/2 cup of skim milk.
1 special k bar.
tea.
coffee.
water.
and cross out the things you already ate, and the things you still have left on the list you still need to eat. and make sure you have the foods.
you see ice cream..forget about it...grab one of the bars.
good luck babe and hope that made some help.
<3
(Reply to this)(Thread)
thinskin23
2008-06-09 04:14 am UTC (link)
oh and btw....you the things you still have left on the list you dont HAVE to eat...its just if you really want something lets say out of bordem or just hunger...or whatever.
but i love the feeling of hunger for some reason.
it feels rewarding<3
(Reply to this)(Parent)
hipbones4me
2008-06-09 04:19 am UTC (link)
ok now listen. im not usually a bitch but i just have to say a few things.
first of all, we resist food because we have eating disorders.
second of all, if you "suck at being anorexic", youre NOT ANOREXIC. its not cool. its not fun. its not glamourous. you cant suck at it. its not a skill. you should be glad it doesnt come to your naturally.
third, most people with eating disorders dont adore the most unhealthy foods. we tend to be disgusted by them. personally, i find spinach harder to resist than hamburgers.
fourth, i think someone with an eating disorder would put their foot down if someone suggested they eat fast food not only once, but twice. if you have time to drive out to get fast food, it cant be that hard to throw together a salad. or pretend to eat.
we all mess up sometimes, and im not perfect either. im sure youre a nice person so sorry for being angry but SERIOUSLY. wannarexics, trolls, pretenders, they dont belong here. its an anorexic community. as in support for anorexia, not advice on how to make each other sick. you dont want anorexia, trust me. just drop it.
bella
(Reply to this)(Thread)
painkills
2008-06-09 04:41 am UTC (link)
I agree. You're telling us to help you lose weight? Be anorexic? The disorder would be all you need to do so, or enough. And you can't "suck" at being it, because there's nothing to be. It's something to have. As I've said before there's a difference between not eating and having an ED.
I'm not trying to be a bitch either, like hipbones4me (bella), but I took some offence to your post.
Good luck, anyways.
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[02 Jun 2008|02:09pm] |
I can't do this anymore.
I'm sobbing.
The dean said that there is nothing wrong with Richman's absence policy.
And that I deserve a lowered grade.
I lost it. I started to get emotional on the phone.
Then I started sobbing as soon as I hung up.
He referred me to ANOTHER person. I can't believe this. Her policy goes against all standards of a jesuit school.
I said "No. My grade is being held down for a funeral. If I didn't go to the funeral, I would have an A right now."
"If you didn't have those other absences, you would also have an A right now."
"I have medical reasons that will be held against me. I shouldn't have to divulge information that the HIPPA act is supposed to protect me from."
Then he just listed off another person for me to talk to.
I hope he burns in hell because I'm still all sobbing and crap. My dad didn't help me either. He was all "Oh it's a bureaucracy."
aklsjdlksajdakjsdkljal
how are people doing this to me
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[23 May 2008|03:56pm] |
Convenient that she should respond to me at 4pm on a Friday. You know, so the dean is probably out of the office for the holiday weekend. :)
She is getting bitchier and bitchier. She sounds like she's doubting I have a serious illness. She gave me the dates of my absences. Wonderful. Exactly six. One over. TWO OF THOSE ARE FOR THE FUCKING FUNERAL.
this is such bullshit. SUCH bullshit. i cannot understand why on earth she would not excuse bereavement? she can't do this. it's so disrespectful and unfair.
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[26 Apr 2008|10:07pm] |
And my grandma just died.
This week could seriously get no worse.
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[24 Apr 2008|12:38am] |
I just found out that acid_ana_angel killed herself.
And I can't stop crying.
It just really, REALLY hit me. I remember reading and commenting on so many of her posts.
And. it's just... it's so hard.
life.
i can't stop crying. I feel SO alone.
i feel selfish to cry to. it's what she wanted.
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[26 Mar 2008|05:33pm] |
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i have no friends.
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[19 Feb 2008|11:51am] |
An update I got last night around midnight:
The police report found that he was checked into Kaiser in SOUTH San Francisco. 15 miles from the club he disappeared from. The hospital records will only state he was "released 4pm, Monday."
He still hasn't contacted anyone. He was well enough to leave the hospital after a probable 36-hour mandatory stay.... And we were under the presumption that he was going to get a ride home from a former co-worker (he used to work around there) after they got off shift. But Red Robin doesn't keep its workers overnight.
And I'm pretty sure anyone would have called his sister by now.
To get Ryan into a hospital, it had to have been a very big deal. He's very much broke, and has been known to refuse treatment for alcohol poisoning and gashes in his arm....
How could he have GOTTEN 15 miles from the club? The BART doesn't have all of its lines open that late at night, so it couldn't have been mere accident... unless he ran into an old friend and just disappeared.
It's just all SO unlikely. He still has made no contact. Where IS he?
I'm pondering on a few things:
1) How he got to a Kaiser 15 miles away, when there was one down the street from the club.
2) What requires a 36-hour mandatory stay
3) He was well enough to be released. Where the fuck is he now?
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[18 Feb 2008|10:29pm] |
I don't know what to do.
My friend Ryan has gone missing. Like completely gone.
Disappeared.
And it's not one of those "He just miscommunicated where he's staying." type of things...
He's gone. I don't know. I'm really worried... he hasn't contacted anyone, he isn't picking up his phone obviously, and he hasn't gone onto a computer since Saturday. It's Monday night.
They've filed a police report (his sister), and they've checked all the hospitals in the San Francisco area. He was last seen with his friends at the 540 Club Downtown... He didn't like get lost on the way home. He just disappeared from the club. I'm worried he got into a fight (he's non-confrontational though), or drunkenly fell and hit his head, or... It worries me so much to say this, but I'm very afraid he got depressed and ... killed himself.....
He's been depressed lately, I guess. He lost his job, his girlfriend, his apartment... very recently.
I'm hoping to God he's just cooling off for the moment. It's just SO unlike him. He seemed very upbeat last time I saw him, sang to us... Like, he stopped by the dorms last Sunday and sang us songs.
I don't know what I'll do if something terrible happened to him. We were friends, but not terribly close like Kirstyn was with him. I wouldn't forgive myself for not doing more, getting to be closer with him. I feel like we were taking each other for granted.
I can't stop worrying. I'd like to just crawl into bed, and cry and sleep but I can't. I need to work out in the room a bit with leg lifts, attempt pushups, maybe some situps, etc... and besides, I wouldn't be able to cry anyway. I can't cry successfully anymore.
My ethics teacher said this last week, and it rings in my head now- with every interaction I have:
"Walk gently through the world. We are all vulnerable."
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[17 Sep 2005|10:37pm] |
isnt it cute?
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