I don't know what to do.

My friend Ryan has gone missing. Like completely gone.

Disappeared.

And it's not one of those "He just miscommunicated where he's staying." type of things...

He's gone. I don't know. I'm really worried... he hasn't contacted anyone, he isn't picking up his phone obviously, and he hasn't gone onto a computer since Saturday. It's Monday night.

They've filed a police report (his sister), and they've checked all the hospitals in the San Francisco area. He was last seen with his friends at the 540 Club Downtown... He didn't like get lost on the way home. He just disappeared from the club. I'm worried he got into a fight (he's non-confrontational though), or drunkenly fell and hit his head, or... It worries me so much to say this, but I'm very afraid he got depressed and ... killed himself.....

He's been depressed lately, I guess. He lost his job, his girlfriend, his apartment... very recently.

I'm hoping to God he's just cooling off for the moment. It's just SO unlike him. He seemed very upbeat last time I saw him, sang to us... Like, he stopped by the dorms last Sunday and sang us songs.

I don't know what I'll do if something terrible happened to him. We were friends, but not terribly close like Kirstyn was with him. I wouldn't forgive myself for not doing more, getting to be closer with him. I feel like we were taking each other for granted.

I can't stop worrying. I'd like to just crawl into bed, and cry and sleep but I can't. I need to work out in the room a bit with leg lifts, attempt pushups, maybe some situps, etc... and besides, I wouldn't be able to cry anyway. I can't cry successfully anymore.

My ethics teacher said this last week, and it rings in my head now- with every interaction I have:

"Walk gently through the world. We are all vulnerable."